No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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