cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
