I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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