Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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