just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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