So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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