Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
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