He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
