he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
