is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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