if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
my phone needs a breathalizer
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Randomize
