dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake đź‘Ś
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
