Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Randomize