I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
