i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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