Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
