hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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