if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
