Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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