Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize
