is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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