I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
