So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
