I'm sorry my penis didn't work
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
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