ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
