how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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