Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I'm at about main and main street
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
