Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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