I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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