My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
