good thing vaginas are great cup holders
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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