Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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