I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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