is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize