all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
