According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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