If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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