I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize