I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Randomize
