one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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