my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
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