I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
They left me at home... I'm a liability
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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