So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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