I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
