I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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