So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
