Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
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