She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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