she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
