i just wanna soil my oats bro
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize