Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
