When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Randomize
