Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
