6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
