My Higher Power is John Stamos
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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