i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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