it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
