what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
