Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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