I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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