you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
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