I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
