Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
